


Oz's big fat fish wedding

by an_undead_gamer_45, Crazy4U



Category: Monster Prom (Visual Novel)
Genre: Accidental Marriage, Collaboration, Crossover, Cute, F/F, F/M, Humor, Marriage, Marriage Proposal, Polyamory, Romance, Wedding Planning, Weddings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-01
Updated: 2020-04-01
Packaged: 2021-02-28 17:21:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 13,227
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23430859
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/an_undead_gamer_45/pseuds/an_undead_gamer_45, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Crazy4U/pseuds/Crazy4U
Summary: Wedding bells are ringing at spooky high as two of it's most prominent students are betrothed: Miranda Vanderbilt and Oz.Everyone who's anyone has been caught up in the wedding fever and shows the utmost support for the new couple!The only problem? Oz didn't mean to propose in the first place....(A collaborative effort made possible with the help of Crazy4U AKA vanilla0chinchilla)
Relationships: Blue | Vicky/Z'gord | Zoe, Calculester Hewlett-Packard/Red | Amira, Green | Brian/Vera Oberlin, Miranda Vanderbilt/Yellow | Oz, Polly Geist/Red | Amira
Comments: 3
Kudos: 35





	1. the proposal.

**Author's Note:**

> this work was the first of two collaborations I'm going to do with Crazy4U AKA: vanilla0chinchilla. Huge thanks to them for helping to bring my idea to life and all they contributed to this story
> 
> check out their tumblr here for more Monster Prom goodness:  
> https://vanilla0chinchilla.tumblr.com/

There are many different ways you can start your day off right: finding a penny on the sidewalk, getting the last pudding cup in the lunch line, or getting revenge on the man who killed your parents.

Crawling out of a toilet, however, was not one of them. 

Oz hoisted himself out of the porcelain bowl, spitting up water, numerous bruises on his form.

Leaning against the bathroom countertops was The Coven, equally soaked and bruised.

It had all started when the trio of witches had asked the shadow boy to accompany them on one of their weekly adventures to defeat another freak of the week by locating a rare magical artifact to fight it, which took them to the lost underwater city of Atlanta. 

There they had to fight off a ferocious sea monster to obtain it while also learning an important lesson about teamwork and friendship.

Not to say it was an easy fight, both Oz and The Coven had the shit kicked out of them by that sea monster, but in the end they were all victorious and managed to get what the witches needed to save the day later.

“Well that could have gone a lot better.” said Oz, his phobias trying to squeeze the water out of his clothes.

“Tell me about it.” said Hope, shivering. “It’s tentacles were all over me, I can’t believe it tried to make me it’s bride.”

“The important thing at the end of the day is that we all survived and we’re stronger because of it.” said Faith. “Not to mention we got the trident of sorrows which will be crucial in defeating the grin reaper in the next episode.”

“Oh that reminds me.” said Joy, reaching into a small pouch on her side and pulling out a ring.

“Here.” said the thicc witch, putting the ring into Oz’s palm. “For your troubles, it’s the least we can do.”

Oz looked at the ring with a raised eyebrow, it was a small golden band with blue lines carved into the sides of it and what looked like a black pearl attached to the very top of it. 

Closer examination upon the ring revealed that it had no magical properties whatsoever, it was just a normal and well crafted ring.

“Um, thank you?” said Oz, not really knowing what to do with this since jewelry wasn’t really his thing

“Don’t mention it, now come on girls, We’ve got evil to vanquish.”

On that note, the coven vanished in a cloud of smoke, leaving the fearling alone in the bathrooms.

“Maybe I can sell this to Valerie or something….”

******************************

The first place Oz headed to was the shower; in all the excitement, he nearly forgot he had a date with the lovely and dangerous Miranda Vanderbilt.

The bruises wouldn’t be going away for a while, but at least he could make sure he smelled good. The fearling used extra shampoo and conditioner, since he already knew that Miranda liked the strawberry and cream scent he used; it wasn’t manly, but he liked how it smelled.

After drying his hair and getting dressed, Oz headed downstairs. He still had plenty of time before the date, but he preferred being fashionably early. Oz noticed his friend and roommate Brian quietly sitting at the kitchen table. The zombie was looking at his phone, a large cup of coffee and a few different boxes of slime-o cookies next to him. 

“I didn’t realize you were home. How’d it go with the Coven?” Brian asked.

“We got the McGuffin and fought a sea monster.” Oz said.

Was there any chance this monster was related to Miranda? Oz hoped not. He didn’t want to explain to her how he helped slay this beast.

“Nice. Want a slime-o?” Brian offered.

Oz thought about it. They did look good, and lord knows he deserves a treat. Oz shook his head.

“I have to go, so I’m gonna have to pass.” Oz said.

“Is it a date with Miranda?” Brian asked.

Oz nodded.

“Cool, Vera had to go out of town for a few days. Said I couldn’t come, it’s too dangerous.” Brian took another cookie and dunked it in his coffee. “She does know I’d take a bullet for her, right?”

This just confirmed that Vera was the smartest monster in the whole city, and that she did have a heart. Brian was typically laid back, but when he was driven he wouldn’t let anything get in the way, not bullets or missing limbs. Hell, Oz remembered a time he won a game of football missing his head, Scary.

“So, do you know if the girls will be back in time for dinner?” Oz asked, referring to Vicky and Amira.

“No idea. We can just order pizza if they’re still out.” Brian said.

“Alright, see you later.” Oz said.

The shadowman arranged to meet Miranda at a local cafe for lunch. It looked extremely cute, as opposed to the hipstery ones Liam liked to go to, and it had a large desert menu. Oz entered the cafe and scanned the room. Nope, he didn’t see a sign of Miranda. He sighed in relief and told the host about his reservation. The cute were-chinchilla hostess led him to a table and given a menu and a glass of water.

Since he had some time, Oz looked over his possessions. He had his money, right? And change for a tip? The contents of his pockets were placed onto the table in front of him. Phone, debit card, cash, comb, condom (just in case), and the ring. Oz silently cursed himself as he put everything else away. He was in such a hurry he forgot to put the ring in a safe place. It was a nice ring, not something he would normally own. Maybe…?

The door to the cafe opened, revealing Miranda and her precession of serfs and bodyguards. Oz deftly slipped the ring back into his pocket and took a good look at the love of his life. Miranda was wearing a striped blouse with shorts and a pair of high stockings, it took his breath away. A serf pulled out a chair, and she sat down as lightly as a leaf falling on a still pool of water.

“Oz! You are so early. There was no mistake with the time, correct?” Miranda said.

“I just don’t like keeping you waiting, my princess.” Oz said, rubbing the back of his head.

“So considerate.” Miranda beamed.

“Order whatever you like, I’m paying!” Oz said as Miranda picked up the menu.

The fearling would never call himself rich, he had a part-time job, and got money from his parents, but it wouldn’t compare to what Miranda got as an allowance. Recently he had the choice to work with the Slayer or the Coven, and he decided he’d help the witches. Sure, the Slayer was kind of cute, but he was a little more interested in magic. He didn’t get paid, but they did let him keep any money he stole from mini arc villains. Oz was feeling a lot more confident in his monetary situation now.

The two ate their lunch, well Oz ate his and Miranda’s serfs ate hers. They talked, discussing their day, the food, how wild it was now that Polly was dating Amira and Cal, the usual. Miranda did most of the talking, since she wasn’t actually eating, so the conversation went to her search for a prince to marry. Oz’s strawberry Crêpe seemed to lose all its flavour as she spoke about how charming and rich this prince was.

“So, what happened after he gave you five dozen roses?” Oz asked, feeling one of his phobias a chunk of strawberry from his fork.

He’d just have to suck up these feelings. Her marriage was only a formality, and she assured him that he was her lover, but it was hard for Oz to control his feelings of jealousy. He should just be thankful she actually liked him back and didn’t just see him as another shadow in the corner. He took a perfectly timed sip of his water.

“I sent him to the dungeon.” Miranda said matter-of-factly.

Oz spit out his water, a serf jumping in front of him, ensuring a single drop did not hit the Princess.

“They were crimson roses. Only scarlet will do.” Miranda continued, as if nothing had happened. “And if they had been salmon roses… Well, the cleaning serfs would be busy for days.”

Oz wiped off the space where his mouth was with a napkin. It was a lie to say he wasn't relieved, but he felt guilty. He didn't even know if the prince was a bad guy or not, so it was pretty mean to be glad he was in the Vanderbilt dungeon.

“It has been a delightful lunch, Oz, but I have business to attend to.” Miranda said.

“Oh? Homework? Maybe I could help?” Oz offered.

Miranda shook her head. “After this prince, my father was quick to extend the offer to his brother. I am to meet him tonight. Hopefully, he will think twice about what color the roses are.”

Oz made up his mind, he got to his feet as a serf pulled up Miranda's chair and another helped her to her feet.

“Miri?” Oz said, reaching into his pocket  
A bodyguard moved in closer, still wet from earlier, but Miranda raised her hand. She gazed at Oz with those big, blue eyes, and he felt his stomach do a flip. He pulled the ring out, and offered it to her. The serfs gasped.

“I'm sorry if it's too big, or not something you would normally wear but-” Oz began.

His breath caught as he saw Miranda's face. Her eyes were the size of saucers, a slight blush on her already pink features. The only time that came close to this was when she saw the salad harp she had commissioned.

“Oh, Oz!” She cried, leaping into his arms. “Yes! You've made me the happiest girl in the world! This is so unexpected, but yes!”

Oz practically melted in her arms. His heart was beating so heavily, it almost sounded like the whole cafe was applauding. Weird, but he felt so good he didn't care. Oz hugged her back before letting her go.

She slid the ring on, it fit perfectly. Miranda held up her hand, letting everyone get a good look at her ring.

“This is such a delightful surprise, I must tell my parents immediately!” Miranda gushed. “I will see you soon, my prince! We have much to discuss.”

“Y- Yeah! See you tomorrow?” Oz stammered, but Miranda was already out the door. “Huh, weird. I didn’t expect her to get so excited over a ring. Maybe it was more valuable than I thought.”

Now, even if she did date that prince, he'd be the only one on the princess's mind....Oz did not realize how true that was.

******************************

“So anyways that’s the game plan, you got it?” said Aaravi, running a hand over the dungeon map and the two game pieces that represented her and Oz.

“I-I think so, it’s just a smash and grab like usual right?” Replied the fearling.

To be honest, no matter how many times he and Aaravi went on dungeon raids like this he was still extremely nervous about it; a natural reaction to running into what was basically certain death.

Still, the pay was good and Aaravi made sure that they both got out relatively unscathed so the shadowman couldn’t really complain.

Today they were going to raid the Aquino catacombs, belonging to the Aquino family in the 9th circle of hell, which was just a fancy way of calling it a basement

Dahlia’s family had been having somewhat of an infestation of imps down there as of late and needed the help of some brave warriors to wipe out the disgusting creatures while also retrieving a certain family heirloom that had been stolen by the pests, the buff blue demon would have done it herself but she had a severe imp allergy and was unable to survive the onslaught.

Being an exterminator wasn’t really what The Slayer was used to, but the payment and XP opportunities were just too great for her to pass up.

“It’s more of a standard farming quest. You know, ‘kill X amount of Y’ and all that jazz, pretty mundane but it pays the bills.” Aaravi said with a shrug. “Now remember, we need to be there by 5 tonight and don’t forget to bring that rapier I gave you. These are low level monsters that die easy but there’s a lot of them, so we need to focus more on offense than defence.”

“Can I wear my musketeer outfit?” Oz asked like a child asking a parent for a new toy.

Aaravi sighed. “Fine, I don’t get why you like that so much. It looks ridiculous and is completely impractical on stealth missions.”

“Miranda thinks it looks nice…”

“That’s not- just be there alright?” 

Oz nodded and Aaravi took a running leap out of a window, flawlessly doing a tuck and roll on the ground, it’s how she exited a room.

Right as Oz was about to leave for his next class, he turned and ran face first into something large, meaty, and wet.

Taking a step back, Oz found himself looking up at one of Miranda's serf body guards that frequently accompanied her everywhere with the same stern look on his face that he always had but slightly softened for some reason.

“Oh h-hi….I wanna say Logan?” stammered Oz.

“The princess requests your presence.” grunted the large fishman.

“Can it wait a second? I really need to get to my CP smuggling course and-” Oz was cut off by the serf grabbing the scruff of his cardigan and hoisting him up off the floor with one hand.

“Did I say request? I meant demand.” 

“I-I guess I c-can ask Vicky for notes….” 

As the serf carried Oz through the halls, the fearling was completely and utterly freaking out.

‘Oh man, oh man what did I do? I thought everything was fine yesterday, we had a good meal, I paid for the whole bill, she loved the ring I gave her. Did somebody say something about me-’

Oz’s train of thought came to a stop when he was politely but firmly shoved into a seahorse drawn carriage, the door being slammed behind him and the ride beginning soon after.

Looking at the seat across from him, Oz saw Miranda who had also similarly noticed his presence.

“Oh there you are! My serfs have been looking everywhere for you! You have quite the nerve showing up late like this!” pouted Miranda.

“Late?” asked Oz, now even more confused than before. “Late for what? We didn’t have a date today, right?”

“No, no. You’re late for your tuxedo fitting my love.”

That only raised more questions. “Tuxedo fitting? But prom isn’t for another couple months…”

Miranda let out an adorable laugh. “Prom? No silly, your tuxedo for the wedding!”

“You’re getting married?!”

“No, we’re getting married my dear Ozwald!”

Oz’s eyes nearly popped out of his head as his jaw unhinged and his phobias started screaming both in terror and excitement.

“Wha-what are you talking about?!” Oz said after rebooting his brain.

“Oh come now, stop teasing me Ozwald.” said Miranda, holding out the ring from yesterday, now adorning her ring finger. “To be honest I never expected you of all monsters to pop the question, especially so soon. But between how lovely of a prince you’ve acted towards me as of late along with such a beautiful wedding band, how could I ever say no? However I must ask, how did you know I loved black pearls?”

Oz’s eyes darted around the carriage “uh, lucky guess?”

“Regardless, I am looking forward to spending the rest of our lives together. Oz Vanderbilt has a nice ring to it don’t you think so?”

“M-Miranda, I think t-there’s been a mistake…”

Miranda looked back up at her fiancé “what do you mean my love?”

Oz opened his mouth to explain that he didn’t mean to propose to Miranda and didn’t know it was a wedding ring, but stopped as he thought back to what Miranda told him yesterday:

‘I sent him to the dungeon, they were crimson roses, only scarlet will do. And if they had been salmon roses….Well, the cleaning serfs would have been busy for days.’

If Miranda was willing to kill a suitor for giving her the wrong colored roses, think of what she would do to him if he told her that he didn’t want to marry her after she got her hopes up.

“Um….y-you don’t need to take me out for a tuxedo fitting, I’ve already got a perfectly good tuxedo back home that I was going to wear to prom.”

“Nonsense! My husband will not wear some old rags to a wedding, you shall wed me in only the finest of garb woven by the bloody hands of my tailor serfs, it’s what makes the fabric so soft.” 

The merprincess then hopped off her seat and plopped down next to Oz, cuddling up to his side.

“I cannot wait for us to be wedded Oz and there’s so much to do! We have to pick the band, the wedding cake, the dress, Oh! And of course the groomsmen and bridesmaids! Are your friends going to be busy in the near future Oz?”

Oz swallowed the lump in his throat. “I’ll...I’ll float it by them.”

“Wonderful!” Miranda replied as they pulled up to Miranda's private tailor. “If they do accept, please let them know that my tailors’ services are free to them as they are to you. Everything must be absolutely perfect.”

******************************

“BWAHAHAHA!” chortled Amira, slamming her fist onto the lunch table as tears poured out of her eyes.

“STOP IT! It’s not funny!”

“Yeah you’re right, it’s not funny...IT’S HYSTERICAL!” The djinn continued to wheeze. “You accidentally proposed to Miranda! You gave her a wedding ring without having any idea of what it was! How do you even do that?!”

“I thought it was just a regular ring and that Miranda would like it!” Said Oz.

“Okay Amira enough.” said Vicky. “I admit, the situation is a little funny but we should be happy for Oz. He’s getting married to the girl of his dreams after all!”

“B-but I’m not ready to get married! I’m still in high school for god’s sake!”

“So you don’t want to marry Miranda?” Vicky said with a raised eyebrow.

“well...I mean, n-not yet. But that’s beside the point.”

Amira wiped the tears from her eyes as she finally caught her breath. “Ozzy, come on. We all know you’ve been crushing on Miranda since sophomore year. You helped her kill off the water polo team and you’re always trying to hang around with her. Just go through with the wedding and reap the benefits of being the prince and heir to the merkingdom. I don’t see what the big deal is.”

“Besides.” added Vicky. “If you really don’t want to go through with it, just say something.”

Oz’s eyes flicked downward. “I can’t, Miranda looked so excited about the wedding! If I try to call it off, she’ll be crushed! And then her parents will crush me, probably under a boulder!”

“Oz, calm down. You’re overreacting, this is strictly a good thing for you.”

“What’s a good thing?” said Zoe, taking a seat next to her girlfriend Vicky who promptly kissed said eldritch fangirl on the cheek. “What are you guys talking about?”

“Oh just Oz and Miranda’s accidental wedding.” replied the frankengirl.

Zoe gasped and quickly whipped out one of her numerous shipping notebooks, scribbling away at the pages. “O.M.G. this changes EVERYTHING! I mean I always knew Oz x Miranda was a good ship but personally I always thought Oz x Aaravi would have been the canon ship, they had such good chemistry with their frequent dungeon crawls. Ah well Mirandoz works into my headcanons just fine too.”

Zoe then paused for a moment as something seemed to click in her mind. “Wait did you say accidental?”

Amira smirked. “Oh yeah, Oz gave Miranda a wedding ring and didn’t realize what he did until yesterday. Now he’s roped into a merfolk wedding!”

“G-guys! Don’t tell her about that, I don’t want the whole school to- Zoe w-what are you doing?”

“Hmm?” said Zoe, looking up from her phone. “Nothing, I was just-”

“YOU’RE GETTING MARRIED?!” shouted another voice. 

Oz soon found himself on the receiving end of a large, ghostly, bear hug courtesy of Polly.

“Congratulations Boo! Nice to see that you finally got the nerve to settle down with Miri. Hey do you mind if I plan her bachelorette party and your bachelor party, it’s part of my unfinished business; I never got to plan a wedding party before I died.”

Oz’s head snapped towards the former eldritch god. “ZOE!”

“Sorry, I can’t help it. It’s like a disease.” said Zoe, before resuming her texting.

“ZOE COME ON!” 

“Do you not know what disease means?!”

******************************

Oz went to math class; this used to be where he would sit in the back and watch Miranda, who was seated further and to the left, but the days of silently pining for her was over. Now she was sitting with Vicky and Zoe crowded around her desk, pouring over magazines, The three were probably talking about dresses. Oz knew next to nothing about fashion, and that was one of Vicky's passions, so Oz would leave them to it. Right now he just wanted some peace and quiet.

Hope looked up from the seat next to his. “Hey Oz.”

“Hey.” Oz said.

The Coven sat next to him during this period. That was sort of how they became friends. Faith leaned over her desk so she could see him better, a small smile on her lips.

“I didn't realize you were so bold.” The white haired witch said.

“W- What do you mean?” Oz asked.

Joy turned in her chair, which was right in front of Hope's. Oz was thankful, as it'd be much harder to talk to her if she was a full three chairs down from him.

“I thought you would at least wait until graduation, but I guess love is timeless.” She said.

“Wait! You knew it was an engagement ring?” Oz sputtered.

The three women stared at him, it was finally Hope who broke the silence.

“You were just telling us about your trip to the Museum of Merpeople History. They even had a big display about it.” The petite witch said.

“To think we could have donated it to a museum.” Faith sighed.

Oz slumped over his desk. “I wasn't paying attention. I zoned out during the display of forks throughout history.”

Everything was different now, just because he hadn't been learning about his girlfriend's culture. Oz left class, heading to the restrooms. He needed a place to think, he couldn't face Miranda. While his brain was engulfed by a miasma of guilt and confusion, a force that was easily mistakable for a meteor slammed against Oz's shoulder.

“Congrats! I didn't realize you were so ballsy!” It was Damien, his hand was what struck his already sore shoulder.

“Z- Zoe messaged you too?” Oz asked.

“Yeah. She told me Polly is gonna be planning your bachelor party. You should let me do that, it'll be a night you'll never forget.” The demon said, giving Oz a wicked grin.

Before Oz could do so much as sigh, he was pulled into the meaty jaws of life. At least, that's what it felt like.

“Bro! I'm so happy for you!” Scott cried, giving the fearling a hug that would make a bear ashamed of it's wimpy grip.

“Can't! Breathe!” Oz hissed.

Scott put him down, tail still wagging even as Oz gasped for breath. Did Oz have any other friends who were going to be this physical with their positive sentiments? His body was still healing from yesterday.

“I'm happy for Miranda too, but her serfs wont let me give her a nice big hug, so I have to give you double the hug energy!” Scott cheered.

“Thanks.” Oz managed once he finally got his breath back.

“So, I'm invited to the wedding, right?” Scott asked.

“Of course. You're both invited. You're my friends.” Oz said, looking at the two larger men.

“So who's going to be the best man?” Damien asked.

“Best man is like a good boy!” Scott said eagerly.

“You're both great, but I'm going to ask Brian to be my best man.” Oz said.

Damien nodded, but Scott's tail drooped only to rise again.

“He's your friend, so he should be your best boy.” Scott said.

“Best man, but yeah. We should get drinks some time.” Damien said, this time giving Oz a much gentler but still very rough pat on the back as he and Scott walked off, excitedly discussing the possibility of wedding cake.

“Great, the whole school probably knows by now.” said Oz, pinching the bridge of his nose in frustration “Okay Oz, just get through today and you can figure out what to do next. I mean how many monsters could be excited over a wedding?”

******************************

As it turned out, almost every single monster associated with spooky high was excited over the wedding; it was all they were talking about and by extension, everyone seemed to want to talk to Oz about it.

He had to spend the entire day, dodging and weaving around the hundreds upon hundreds of young monsters that wanted to be a part of his wedding day.

It got so bad that he started having to travel through the shadow dimension just to get around the school.

At least he was finally home now, where he could rest with video games and unhealthy snacks. All while thinking up a crazy scheme to get himself out of this situation without being executed.

Right as he was about to put his key into the door, it flew open and there stood Miranda with a wide grin.

“Oz! My love!” said the merprincess, leaping into Oz’s arms and planting a massive smooch right onto his lips.

And just like that, all of the stress that had been plaguing Oz melted away at the warmth brought on by Miranda’s form.

The fearling wrapped his arms around Miranda, intent on deepening the kiss further, but then a thought came to mind.

“Miranda, what are you doing in my house?” asked Oz, pulling away from his soon to be wife. “In fact how did you get into my house?”

“Oh, your friend Brian let us in as he was leaving. He said he had some business to attend to out of town and left us with the spare key.” explained Miranda, holding up Brian’s key for emphasis

“Us? What do you mean, Us?”

That’s when a familiar voice chimed in “Oz, darling is that you?”

Peering over Miranda's shoulder, Oz’s eyes nearly sunk into his head.

Standing right there, in the doorway of his kitchen, was his mother: The Knight of Despair.

“M-mom?! W-what are you doing here?” sputtered the fearling.

“Well your father heard about your recent engagement through the mortals’ ‘internet’ and decided that we simply must become acquainted with our future daughter in law, who in turn insisted on introducing her family to ours dear.”

“Wait d-does that mean dad, my other mom, and autie red are here too?!”

Der Freischütz poked his head out of the kitchen doorway. “Of course son, now come in here and say hello to the rest of your family!”

It wasn’t that Oz didn’t love and adore his parents, or that he didn’t miss them, but who knows how long they were with Miranda. What did they tell her? Did they have the baby album? Oz prayed to every god he could think of that they did NOT have the baby album.

“My dear, why did you fail to mention your mother is a knight?” Miranda asked.

“Our little Ozzy is far too modest. I recounted the time he won the Monster elementary school’s talent show by singing All Star, correct?” The Knight of Despair said.

“Mom…” Oz whined.

“See? My son can be so bashful.” The Knight of Despair said.

“I should have known you were the heir to a knight.” Miranda said, rubbing her cheek against his. “You have an air of nobility to you.”

They entered the living room, where the rest of his family waited, along with Miranda’s serfs but they’re not important. Before Oz could even say hello, a light blue flash tackle hugged him around the middle. It was his other mom, a tiny woman with long blue hair and an outfit like a magical girl. 

“I can’t believe it!” The Queen of Hatred cried. “My little Ozzy is getting married! And to a real princess even!”

“Hey kid.” Said another voice.

From the couch was his aunt, reclining with her boots on the coffee table. As usual, she was decked head to toe in leather and belts, along with her red hood and mask.

“Hey aunt Red.” Oz said, giving her a small wave.

“Queenie’s been bursting into tears since she heard the news. Fucking annoying.” Red said, rolling her one eye.

“It’s true!” The magical girl said, nodding.

“Each and every one of us are overjoyed by this news.” The Knight of Despair said.

“I’m very proud of you, and it’s a delight to meet miss Vanderbilt.” Der Freischütz said.

The Queen of Hatred let go of Oz and went to hug her husband. Now that the shock had worn off, or lessened to a manageable degree, he gave his dad a smile. On the coffee table was a teapot, maybe they could just relax a little and he could have a nice chat with his parents. Oz’s shoulder’s eased, this didn’t have to be a bad experience.

“So when can we expect grandkids?” The Queen of Hatred asked.

“M-mommy!” Oz sputtered.

“Oh yes! The fertility inspection! Thank you for reminding me that my beloved must undergo one before we are to be married.” Miranda said, holding a blushing Oz’s arm. 

Briefly, Oz wondered if he could get out of this marriage by hitting himself in the nuts hard enough. Maybe he should just try hitting himself in the head, save a lot of trouble. Before he could fully consider any of these options, the shadowman’s phone rang. He just couldn’t catch a break today, Oz saw it was a familiar number.

“Oh no... I’m going to take this call.” Oz said, stepping to the side, near the couch. “Aaravi?”

“I know it’s a little early, but I felt like calling. Are you still going to make it to the quest?” The Slayer asked.

“About that…” Oz trailed off.

“Wedding stuff?” Aaravi finished for him.

“I’d love you come and slaughter some imps with you but I’ve got a lot on my plate.” Oz said.

The phone was snached from his grasp. He looked to see it in Little Red Riding Hooded Mercenary's hand, she looked awfully casual from someone who just stole his phone and was having a conversation with a complete stranger.

“Hey, I’m Oz’s aunt. You need someone who can fight? Yeah, just give me an address and I’ll fight. Yeah? Alright. See you there.” Red said, and tossed the phone onto the couch.

Everyone looked at her, not saying a word as she got to her feet, and picked up a bloodied sickle and musket. 

“I’d love to stay, but castles and fancy dinners aren’t my thing. I’ll see ya round.” Little Red said and ran out the door.

The door slammed, and the house was quiet. Der Freischutz breathed a sigh of relief, breaking the tension. After inspecting the couch from blood or dirt, Miranda sat down, the Queen of Hatred joined her.

“Would you care for more tea, my Queen?” Miranda asked.

“Yes please!” She said, holding her cup.

“My dear.” Der Freischütz said. “It appears you are out of cream. Why don’t I get you some. Oz, please show me where the cream is.”

Oz was smart enough to know a demand when he heard one, especially when it came from his father. As much as Oz didn’t want his moms gossiping with his lover, he took the empty saucer and walked towards the kitchen, his father in tow. 

“She’s quite a woman.” Der Freischütz said.

The saucer was on the counter, sitting half way between the two men. Oz could hear laughter coming from the living room, but he wanted to hear what his dad had to say, any just to talk to him in general. The marksmen took out a pipe, carefully stuffing it before lighting it with a small spark from his fingers.

“Miranda? Yeah, I was hoping you could have met her sooner.” Oz said, running a hand through his hair.

“Her family seems powerful.” His father said, taking a drag from his pipe.

“You don’t know the half of it.” Oz said.

“Both of your mothers are powerful. It’s natural to be attracted to strong women.”

“Yeah…I kind of want to protect her too…If that makes any sense.”

Der Freischutz put a hand on his son's shoulder, careful of the phobia. “It’s quite normal, as strange as it seems.”

“More than anything, I want to protect Miri.” Oz continued. “She trusts me, and I want to keep her safe.”

His father didn’t move his hand, it was a weight on Oz’s shoulder. He got along well with all his family, even his aunt, but his father always put aside time to talk with Oz. Whether it be to give advice, listen to Oz’s problems, or just catch up, it always meant a lot to the young shadowman. Could he tell his dad the truth?

“Miranda did say her family is not opposed to a more open relationship.” Der Freischütz, looking forward thoughtfully.

“Dad!” Oz gasped.

“You seem to like that Aaravi girl. You should-” The Marksman continued.

“Dad, no!” Oz said, voice raising. “This father son talk is over!”

“Alright, alright. Just remeber that polygamy worked out perfectly fine for your mothers and I, so keep an open mind.”

Oz could only hold his head in his hands, why did he have to be like this?

“Anyways, we might want to get going, it’d be rude to show up late.” Der Freischütz said.

Oz looked up “late? For what?”

“For dinner with your bride’s family of course, her father was kind enough to invite us to his kingdom to further discuss the wedding plans as well as get to know his future-son in law better.”

It was at that moment that the saucer impacted on the ground and shattered into thousands of tiny little pieces, which were quickly cleaned up by the various serfs that had been standing in the background.

“I take it the princess didn’t tell you about this?” said the sniper, barely even giving a passing glance to the shattered porcelain.

“I-I-I-” Oz tried to form a sentence, but he found himself continually choking on his own words.

His parents were going to meet Miranda’s parents, they were all going to have a dinner party together, they were going to discuss a wedding he didn’t even want in the first place, they were going to talk about HIM.

He wasn’t sure what he was more worried about: Miranda’s family verbally tearing him limb from limb or his parents completely and utterly embarrassing him. Neither one was a desirable outcome.

‘O-oh man. Oh man, Oh man. This is going to be a rough night…’ Oz thought to himself


	2. the wedding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> here's the juicy part folks. :)

As it turned out, the night had been going smoother than the shadow boy could have ever anticipated.

Granted, Oz actually didn’t know alot about Miranda's family overall, apart from that one lone interaction with Miranda’s sister Bellanda and it wasn’t exactly a great first impression.

All of his knowledge about the merfolk king and queen came directly from the various conversations he had with Miranda, which painted the picture of an utterly brutal dictator that was extremely protective of his daughters and would throw anyone who so much as laid a hand on them to the kraken.

When Oz met the man, however, it quickly became apparent that this was nothing more than an exaggerated caricature of who the man really was.

True, he was protective of his daughters but not so much so that it was fanatical; he was firm but had a level of warmth to him; he ruled with an iron fist, but also a tender touch.

strangely enough, he reminded Oz a whole lot of his own father; which is why it was no surprise that the two men almost immediately hit it off with one another.

As for Miranda’s mother, she was….well...Oz could see where Miranda got some of her more airheaded tendencies from but she was a fairly nice woman who was overjoyed that Miranda was marrying such a ‘fine young commoner.’.

Right now she was gossiping with both of Oz’s mothers who were telling the story of how they met their husband while being held captive by a shady corporation.

So the good news was, his parents’ and Miranda's parents' respective personalities canceled each other out and let Oz escape from any possible scrutiny he may have received from them.

The bad news? Because they were occupied, there was absolutely nothing keeping Miranda’s older sisters from placing their entire focus on the eldritch horror.

The way they stared him down in dead silence gave him the feeling he was being circled by sharks and with the giant cleaver that bellanda was holding, he might as well be.

At least Miranda was right there next to him, still lovingly clutching his arm, which made him feel a little better.

“So…” said Laudana, the eldest of the sisters. “You’re the infamous Oz Miranda is always talking about.”

Oz swallowed the lump in his throat. “Y-yeah.”

“Hmm, I was expecting a bit more from someone who foiled an assasination attempt on my younger sister.”

Ah yes, Oz remembered that incident; crazy how a simple party invite led to him getting deeply involved in an assasination plot that could change the very course of history for the merkingdom, then again that didn’t even break the top ten craziest things he’s done while at spooky high.

“I-it was really nothing...by the way, whatever happened to Pheel the Eel?”

“The traitor? Oh, he’s been...dealt with, PERMANENTLY.” said Bellanda, accenting the last word by biting her teeth together in a very shark-like manner. “But we’re not here to talk about politics, we’re here to talk about you, shrimp and what exactly my sister sees in you. I’m kinda agreeing with Laudana over here, you’re not really much to look at.”

Okay now Oz was starting to feel more offended than scared.

“Now, now; Bellanda, Laudana, there’s no need for such harsh behavior towards Miranda's fiance. This is supposed to be a happy time for the Vanderbilts after all.” Said Amanda. “Besides, this one has lasted far longer than any of Miranda’s previous suitors so he must be somewhat worthy of her favor.”

“True, but that’s all the more reason to...get to know him better, as it were, and ensure his intentions with our dear miri are nothing but pure.”

Laudana’s gaze flickered towards Oz. “I assume you don’t want to end up like our dear sister’s previous suitors, do you?”

“N-no Ma’am.”

“Excellent. Now then, what exactly are your plans once you graduate from primary school alongside my sister?”

“W-well, i-it’s kind of stupid. But I-I’ve always sort of wanted to be a chef.” Replied Oz.

The trio of sister’s just stared at Oz with quizzical expressions.

“I’ve a-always had a sort of a knack for cooking, I enjoy it and have made some pretty good dishes over the years. Being able to do it professionally and m-maybe even run my own restaurant would be a dream come true.”

“It’s true! His breakfast sandwiches are simply divine! Or at least that’s what my eating serfs told me.” Interjected Miranda, still hugging Oz “my cooking serfs could certainly learn a thing or two from him.”

Laudana hummed. “Well I suppose you at least have SOME ambitions, even if they are a tad modest.”

The rest of their questions continued in the same vein: where he grew up, how he met Miranda, his opinions on merfolk politics. All the whole Miranda just sat there, her serfs just chewing away on grilled whale steaks, like this was a totally normal occurrence; Knowing Miranda’s family, however, it probably was.

It almost felt like an interrogation to Oz at first, but as the dinner went on, the daughters of the Vanderbilt crown slowly warmed up to Him and the conversation grew more casual with the sisters sharing a few stories of their own. It was lovely.

At least until a certain question came out of Bellanda’s mouth.

“So Oz, what exactly is your favorite thing about my sister?”

Oz choked on the wine he was in the middle of sipping, the mess he made was cleaned up almost instantaneously by the serfs milling about.

“I-I don’t think I can answer that…”

That got everyone's attention pretty quickly.

“And why not?” Asked Amanda.

“I must admit I’m rather curious as well, my love. What do you believe my most attractive feature is?” said Miranda, looking at the fearling expectedly. 

Okay, fuck. He was really being put on the spot here, Oz had to come up with an answer and fast.

Summoning up all the courage and CHARM that he could, Oz spoke from the heart.

“The truth is, I can’t answer that b-because….because I can’t decide.”

“What?”

“T-there’s just so many things I love about Miranda that I can’t just pick any one of them. I mean looking past the fact that she’s utterly adorable-”

Miranda swooned at the comment, getting even closer to Oz.

“she has a grace and regalia to her that makes everything she does seem s-so….elegant, even if it’s something mundane. She’s an amazing singer, I’ve seen her on stage; a-and while she is cute most of the time, she can be really intimidating when she wants to and isn’t scared to take what she wants. But m-most of all, miranda’s just been a ray of sunshine in my life; being around her...it’s given me a new perspective on life and I’m grateful for that.”

The table became shrouded in stunned silence, even the parent groups had gone quiet after Oz’s little speech, and everyone was staring right at him.

Oz began to sweat. ‘Oh no, that might have been too much too fast…’

Before the eldritch being could ponder this any further, he found himself being tackled to the floor by a small pink missile with red hair.

Miranda pinned down Oz with an alarming strength he didn’t even know she had and started smothering her lover’s face in kisses, her crown forgotten at her side along with any form of manners.

“That was. *mwah* The sweetest. *mwah* Thing. *mwah* I’ve ever. *mwah* Heard!” exclaimed Miranda between each smooch. “You are. *mwah* The greatest. *mwah* Husband. *mwah* EVER!” 

Eventually the assault of love had to come to an end as Miranda’s older sisters pulled her off of Oz, the youngest Vanderbilt protesting at the action with a whine.  
“Down girl! You’ll have plenty of time to spend with him on the honeymoon.” Said Bellanda, dragging Miranda away.

Oz sat up, a smile on his face (along with about two dozen lipstick marks) and his head in the clouds; for a brief moment, he felt like he had reached high school nirvana.

That calm was promptly broken by a hand landing on his shoulder, Oz looked up and was met with the serious face of Miranda’s father who was currently offering the boy a hand.

“Oz was it? Could you meet me in my study for a moment? I need to have a conversation with you while my daughter...Composes herself.” said the merfolk king, helping Oz back on his feet.

Oz could only gently nod, still riding the high from the sea of affection miranda had bathed him in.

****************************

“I have to say, you certainly have a way with words.” Said Miranda’s father, throwing Oz a towel to clean his face. “I’ve never seen any of Miranda’s suitors get THAT sort of reaction from her.”

“I was just being honest, I didn’t think she’d jump me like that Mr.Vanderbilt.” Oz replied, scrubbing the makeup from his face. “I-I’m really sorry about that by the way.”

“Please young one, call me Barbarbossa. We’re going to be family soon after all; and think nothing of it, I know what it’s like to be young and in love.”

Barbarbossa pushed open the door to his study, or rather his serfs did so for him.

It was about what Oz expected: bookshelves taking up one of the walls, portraits and trophies adorning the rest, an intricately woven carpet sitting under a circle of comfy looking armchairs all positioned around a fireplace that somehow had a roaring fire despite being in an underwater palace, and a small bar nestled away in the corner. The whole thing had a sort of regal theme to it, much like the rest of the castle did.

The merfolk king turned to address his serfs. “Under no circumstances are we to be disturbed, understand?”

The two guards saluted their king before shutting the door.

Barbarbossa then locked it and ,with a serious look coming across his face, picked up a large and menacing trident that had been leaning against the wall.

He then turned to Oz, maintaining that expression as he started to approach him with the trident clutched menacingly in his hands.

That’s about when Oz came to the assumption that he was in deep shit…

‘Oh no. oh no. OH NO! He’s gonna skewer me for making a scene at dinner, he’s gonna mount me on the wall as a warning to Miranda's future suitors! He’s gonna- he’s gonna-’ Oz internally panicked as the intimidating figure got closer. 

Oz pressed himself against the backs of one of the chairs as Barbarbossa got within feet of him…

And then promptly walked right past him.

‘-walk right past me?’

Looking over his shoulder, Oz spied the king placing the trident neatly on a set of mounted hooks above the mantle.

“I swear, if I find out who left the family trident against the wall like that, SOMEONE is getting executed!” Said Barbarbossa. “Anyways, would you care for a- Oz is something wrong, you look rather terrified.”

The fearling twisted the hem of his cardigan in his hands. “W-well I just thought with the trident and the angry look along with what happened in the dining room you were gonna-”

Barbarbossa stared at Oz for a moment before letting out a hearty laugh.

“Oh you’re funny, I like that. But as I was saying, would you care for a drink?”

“Uh, no thanks sir. I don’t really drink.”

That was a blatant lie, he had gone to plenty of Polly’s keg parties and done his fair share of drinking games, but getting drunk in front of his crush’s father was probably not a wise move.

“Well suit yourself, I’m going to have one. Why don’t you take a seat so we can talk like men?”

Oz plopped down on the chair and almost immediately melted right then and there, it was soooo soft. Even his phobias were wriggling around in pleasure, trying to press themselves further into the cushions like lazy cats. 

“I take it you’re enjoying the chair?” said the king with a chuckle, sitting in the armchair across from the fearling.

“I-it’s incredible, it’s like sitting on a cloud.” Oz groaned.

“It’s an entirely custom job, Sea serpent leather wrapped around a hand-carved cherry oak coral frame with a sandstone finish. Guess how many serfs died making these….seven.”

Suddenly Oz felt a lot more guilty about enjoying this chair so much.

“I’ll cut right to the point Oz.” said Barbarossa as he took a sip of his drink, tone quickly becoming serious. “You’re probably acutely aware of the fact that my daughters are very precious to me and I would do absolutely anything to ensure they’re safe and happy.”

The merfolk leaned in further. “Which is why I make sure to meet with any and all of their suitors personally to ensure that they are worthy of my daughter’s hands, after all it’s not only their happiness that is at stake but the future of the Vanderbilt legacy as well. That being said, it was rather improper of you to propose directly to my sweet Miranda without consulting me first boy…”

Oz gulped, did it just get colder in here?

“Normally such an action would be seen as an insult to both me and my authority as a father Oz, and I think you are well aware what happens to those who disrespect the Vanderbilt name..”

Oz’s eyes darted over to the trident mounted on the wall for a moment before his gaze returned to the merperson sitting across from him.

“However, in your case I think I can make an exception.” said Barbarossa, his expression immediately softening.

“I’M SORRY, I DIDN’T MEAN TO- wait what did you say?” asked Oz in confusion.

“Oz, you’ve given so much to my dear sweet Miri. Including stopping those wretched rebels from ending her life and teaching her about self-sufficiency, you have more than earned my respect. So it only seems fair that I give you my blessing to marry her now.”

He put a hand on Oz’s shoulder “I know you’ll make a fine husband to her.”

It should have been a comforting feeling to the eldritch horror, knowing that he had received the approval of Miranda's father. But the only thing it managed to accomplish was increasing the feelings of guilt and dread that had been swirling around in his form at the knowledge that the whole wedding was a mistake.

“Now then, we must make haste to the fertility inspector. I do expect grandchildren after all my dear boy, quite soon I might add. You are getting married within the week after all.” Said the lord as he led Oz out of the study.

“Wait, what?!”

“Seeing as you’re royalty and have been wholeheartedly accepted into the Vanderbilt family, I see no reason to delay this affair any longer. While you were talking with the rest of my daughters, your parents and I discussed it and we believed it would be for the best if we held the wedding next week so that they may properly attend without putting too much strain on their forms in this dimensional plain.” Explained Barbarossa. “Which also reminds me of a very important part of the wedding that Miranda had failed to explain to you: the transformation process.”

“The what?” asked Oz.

“Part of merfolk wedding tradition is that when marrying a creature of a differing species, the outsider must undergo a certain magical transformation that turns them into a partial merperson. You will still retain half of your original species so don’t worry too much about losing your heritage, I know how important maintaining one’s bloodline is.”

Oz’s jaw dropped, he was going to be turned into a merperson?!

“Do not mistake our intentions my boy, we are not bigots. It’s simply so that my daughter will not have to choose between living in two worlds to be with you, this is what’s best for everyone.”

“But- but- but-” Oz stuttered out.

“I know you’re eager to get the process over with but you must understand that it is a delicate procedure that takes time to prepare, however I assure you the servants are working tirelessly to complete it in time. You’ll be a happy merperson married to one of the most beautiful women in the seven seas in no time at all, you should feel honored.” said Barbarossa.

Oz hung his head, that was it, it was all over for him. There was no way he could come up with a plan to get out of this wedding within a week, especially not with everyone else showing their support for the wedding despite his protests.

He was going to get married to Miranda all over a misunderstanding and there was nothing he could do about it.

If only there was some kind of deus ex machina that could swoop in and miraculously save him from his fate, but what were the odds of that happening?

****************************

You would think there would be less work to do, especially when you were marrying a girl whose family had five dozen different serfs for each occasion, but there wasn't a moment when Oz wasn't neck deep in preparations and questions. The fearling was hardly able to scrape aside any time to go to the bathroom, let alone try and think of a plan to foil the wedding. He did manage to text Brian, but the zombie must be busier than he was, since Oz never got a response.

There was also the fertility test. First was the questionnaire, which was longer than the SAT, going over every single thing he did during his long life, including before he got a physical body. It almost made getting the 'genetic sample' bearable, almost....He didn't want to talk about the physical examination. At least he was completely, and undeniably healthy down there.

It wasn't all bad though. For the wedding tasting Oz got to eat some amazing food, and even meet some chefs he'd admired. Due to how busy he was allowed to sleep over at Miranda's castle, but he was only allowed to sleep in a guest bedroom. They had to save that for the honeymoon. The bed was the most comfortable he had ever slept on, as long as he didn't think too much about the deaths involved in its construction.

Once all the major decisions were made, the food, venue, decorations, the fact that there would be an open bar, the chorus of serfs singing the duration of the festivities, maybe the shadowman could finally relax. ...No, because that was when Damien dragged him off to the bachelor party.

Polly had delegated the duties of running the bachelor party to the demon, since she wanted to focus on giving Miranda the best night of wild debauchery before she tied the knot. Oz didn't have much time to worry, since the moment he entered the deluxe suit Damien rented, he was given enough liquor to destroy an elephant's liver.

Oz had to admit, the Prince of Hell knew how to throw one hell of a party, and where to find the hottest strippers and the best booze. All things considered, it was a pretty quiet night, Oz only got stabbed once, and the ensuing police chase wasn't nearly as intense as some of the ones he'd been involved in.

After said car chase, Oz was dropped off in front of his apartment, still drunk, coke stains on his cardigan. Polly thought of everything and convinced Oz's parents to stay in the Vanderbilt estate for the night, in case the boys were ejected from their hotel room, which happened almost immediately. Now Oz's parents didn't have to see their beloved son stagger into his apartment, stinking of beer with a stripper's garter around his neck.

He turned on the light, expecting to get some water then go to bed, but he stopped when he saw Amira on the couch. The flame on her head was dimmer than normal, which explained her ashy skin.

“You okay? I thought you were at Miri's bachelorette party.” Oz asked.

“I was.” Amira said. “But someone didn't tell me his Magic Mike routine involved a bucket of water. Who does that?”

“Dang.” Oz winced.

“So I took a cab home. No way I could enjoy one of Polly's parties like this.” Amira said.

Oz sat down on the couch next to Amira. The whole week, through the planning, the bachelor party, even while he slept, he couldn't escape this thought. Not even the alcohol was helping it, in fact, it seemed to be making it worse.

“I don't think I can get out of this one.” Oz said.

Amira sat up. Oz was close to all three of his friends, but he felt a special connection to Amira. Maybe it was because he met her before the others, and because she was one of the first people to stand up for him. It made her a hero in his eyes, someone he could count on, even if she likes teasing him.

“I love Miri. I love her more than life itself, you know that, but... I just don't want to do this now.” Oz said, voice breaking. “I'm tired, drunk, I had my junk examined under a microscope, my dad keeps telling me I should marry two girls! I can hardly handle marrying one! And to top it all off, I have to have my entire species changed altogether! I don’t want to be a merperson Amira, what if I get stuff stuck in my gills?! All I wanted to do was impress Miranda and relax before exams, but look at what happened!”

Amira put her hand on his shoulder, and Oz pulled her into a hug. The heat she normally radiated had lessened, but she was still incredibly warm, like a hot bath. Oz snuggled into her shoulder, a muffled sob escaping him. Amira didn't talk. Oz needed this time to have his voice heard.

“Am I a bad boyfriend?” Oz stammered. “Because I don't want to marry the cutest girl in the word right now?”

“You've always been really nervous when it comes to new things.” Amira said, hesitating.

“Yeah.” Oz said, pulling away from Amira.

“It's normal.” Amira said. “I remember how nervous I felt when Polly suggested we add Cal to our relationship...”

“But you've always had a thing for Cal, ever since second term started.” Oz said, wiping his eyes.

“Exactly!” Amira said, certainty filling her voice. “You can be scared about good stuff!”

The room seemed to wobble around him as Oz took in the djinn's words. Maybe he was just worried about change. Things would be different, but it would all be in a good way, right? It made sense, at least to his tired, stressed, alcohol soaked brain. Amira squeezed his shoulder, pulling him back into the now.

“I know it's a big change, but we're all there to support you. Me, Vicky, Brian, and you, we're all a team.”

“Thanks.” Oz said, touching her hand.

“No problem.” She replied.

The two smiled at each other for a long moment before something occurred to Oz.

“Has Brian come home?”

Amira raised her eyebrow. “He was gone?”

“He left a day or two ago, something about business out of town.” Oz said, his shoulders slumped. “He's gonna miss the wedding.”

“Have you tried texting him?” Amira asked.

“I did, but I haven't gotten a single reply. I was going to ask him to be my best man.” Oz said, slumping in his seat.

“You know, I’ve been your closest friend for a long time...” Amira said, as subtly as a freight train.

Over the years, the term 'best man' had become gender neutral, at least in the monster world. Oz's expression softened.

“I'd be honored.” Oz said.

The two spent the rest of the night on the couch talking, planning for the big day tomorrow.

****************************

**Meanwhile.**

Vera slapped a bandage on to her undead associate, wrapping some sterilized gauze around the festering wound.

Sure, Brian was undead so having a few chunks of flesh missing wouldn’t be too big of a deal but this was rot magic and that could wreak havoc on a zombie like him.

The two of them were sitting inside of one of Vera's numerous safehouses that she utilized when one of her various business dealings went south.

It should have been a simple exchange, stolen drugs for a briefcase full of cash. 

Unfortunately, Vera’s so called customer actually turned out to be a deep undercover cop that was far more convincing than ‘fellow student’ ever was and the briefcase was full of dirty laundry instead of dirty money.

It was a good thing that Vera had brought along some of her thugs as an added precaution in case something went wrong, otherwise they might have not made it out of that shootout alive.

Too bad they now had to spend the rest of the night hiding from the authorities.

“Not exactly how I planned spending this night, but I can’t say I’m complaining; a beautiful woman, running her hands down my- OW!”

Vera squeezed his wound hard, wordlessly indicating for the zombie to shut it.

“Okay, okay wrong time and place for flirting, got it.” Said Brian, tenderly rubbing his arm.

As Vera turned around to close the medkit sitting on the counter, she muttered something.

“What was that?” asked Brian.

“I said you didn’t have to do that for me, it wouldn’t have been the first time I’ve been hit in a firefight.” replied the gorgon.

“Hey now, I told you I’d be willing to take a bullet for you and I stand by that. Even if I just meant it as an expression before.”

Vera huffed. “Look...just don’t go making a habit out of it alright? Most of the people that work for me are disposable, but I really can’t afford to lose my number 2 henchman.”

Brian smiled, that was the closest Vera had come to saying she actually worried about his safety. It was nice to know that she cared.

Brian then walked into the common area to check his phone, he hadn’t had a chance to check it all week between that heist on the drug lord’s compound and running from the MIB after getting caught up in a sting operation.

“53 missed texts and 23 missed calls? And they’re all from Oz…” Brian groaned. “Of course, he must be wondering why the hell I’m not at rehearsals.”

“Rehearsals? For what? I wasn’t aware you were in the school play this semester.”

“Oh no, rehearsals for the wedding.”

Vera’s head snapped up from the sink where she was washing the blood of her hands, that remark got her attention.

“What wedding?”

Brian looked at the gorgon in confusion. “You don’t know? The whole school was talking about it: Oz and Miranda’s wedding.”

“What?”

“Yeah, Oz proposed just last week while you were out of town. I mean it was by accident but still, dude is lucky that he gets to marry his crush after all these years.”

“And when is the ceremony supposed to happen?” said Vera, suddenly taking an acute interest in the words coming out of her partner’s mouth.

“Well according to miranda’s instagram feed, the wedding is...TOMORROW?! Aw crap! I was supposed to be the best man, Oz is gonna be so bummed out that I missed it.”

Vera’s uncovered eye twitched as she stalked further into the safehouse; eventually emerging with a set of disguises, one of which she tossed to Brian.

“Put this on, we’re moving out.” said the gorgon, slipping on her wig.

“But what about the MIB?” asked brian. “They’re still out there…”

“Forget them, we have to get to the vanderbilt kingdom before the wedding starts.” 

Brian frowned. “Uh, Vera. Not that I mind the determination, but it’s really no big deal if I miss the wedding. Oz is smart, he’ll find someone else to be his best man.”

“It’s not you I’m worried about. It’s Miranda, I have to stop her from rushing into a decision that will ruin her life. Now shut up and put on that fake beard!”

Brian put on the fake beard, god did he love it when she got all aggressive like this…

****************************

It was the day of the wedding: the moment of truth.

Everyone spent the day before sleeping off their hangovers, Oz even heard that Miranda had downed several pitchers of Polly's special sangria. Thinking about it, he could hardly imagine Miranda being drunk.

“You okay?”

Oz looked up, seeing Amira. He was in a side room of the Vanderbilt's cathedral, waiting for the ceremony to start. It was a nice sitting room, with plenty of antique vases and comfy places to sit. Sitting was the last thing Oz felt like doing at that moment, so he was standing in front of a full body mirror, making sure his hair looked okay.

“Just nervous.” Oz said.

“It's your big day. It's normal to be nervous.” Amira said. “Do you think you're going to hurl?”

Oz shook his head, he spent all of yesterday doing that.

“Good, cause we're expected.”

The shadowman never liked being the center of attention, finding corners and the back of the room far more comfortable. Walking in the center of a massive underwater cathedral, with the eyes of every single person in the room was like something from a nightmare. The glass roof wasn't helping, he swore he caught a glimpse of giant squid.

As he walked down the aisle he could feel everyone's gaze on him, friends, family, random royalty, serfs, so many people. He took his place next to the podium, just like he had during the rehearsal. Yeah, he just had to think about it like a play. He wasn't alone either, Amira walked behind him, along with Scott and Damien, both of whom were glad to be involved.

Oz's line of vision went to the podium, where an elaborate blown glass bottle sat, inside was a glimmering pink potion. He didn't have to ask anyone, he knew what it was. A lump was forming in the shadowman's throat, he didn't want to think about how it would feel to have his body change.

A merman walked down the aisle, his robes adorned with the Vanderbilt's seal signaled him as the officiant. As soon as he was behind the podium, he raised his hands.

“This is a momentous occasion for the Vanderbilt family, and for the ocean as a whole. It is my most gracious duty to welcome every one of you to this most blessed of ceremonies.” The officiant spoke.

Oz looked into the crowd, letting the priest's voice melt into the background. His parents were right up at the front, both his mothers openly sobbing and even his dad seemed a little teary. On the other side was Miranda's family, save for her father and Bellanda. No doubt they would be coming with Miranda.

The officiant droned on and on, and the room only seemed to be getting hotter and hotter. How hard would it be to break through the ceiling and escape? He could change his name and identity and live in a cave. That sounded great.

Oz froze the moment the organs belted out that familiar tune and the door opened, revealing his soon to be wife. Everything else faded away as she approached him. Her dress was more beautiful than he could have imagined. A delicate sleeveless bodice with a tasteful plunging neckline that turned into a skirt that clung to the delicate curve of her thighs before billowing out, the lace glimmered with a thousand tiny diamonds. A veil obscured her face, which he was thankful for, he wasn't sure he could handle so much radiant beauty at once without having some time to take it in smaller doses.

It was only when Miranda was right before him, Oz realized Barbarossa had walked his daughter down the aisle. Oz gave him an awkward nod, and the king only gave him a solemn not before taking a seat. Was that a tear in his eye?

The bridal party consisted of Vicky, Polly, Bellanda and the maid of honor was Dahlia, who was bawling the hardest. He had to admit, the power blue dress the demoness wore was surprisingly feminine.

“We are gathered here today, to witness this union between her majesty Miranda Vanderbilt and Oswald...” The officiant began.

Oz's attention was on Miranda once more, and he nearly fainted. Now that she was close to him, he could see her through the thin mesh of the veil. Was it the make up? Was it knowing she was going to be his wife? Was it that Oz just realized the mermaid princess's true beauty? All he knew was that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her, Potion? Hell, he'd undergo surgery without anesthetics just to be with her!

“If anyone had any objections as to why these two should not be wed, speak now-” The officiant said, Oz felt a little bad he kept tuning him out, but there was the massive thud of the doors opening.

Everyone turned to look at the parted doors, a silhouetted figure stood between them. This figure had long, shapely legs which strode towards the podium and the couple. This stranger reached up, pulling off their long blonde hair, revealing a mass of snakes.

“I leave for one week, One week and you nearly destroy your future.” Vera said, coming to a stop in front of Miranda.

“Vera! You made it! I was getting so worried when you weren't returning my calls.” Miranda said, oblivious. “Isn't this wonderful?”

“Wonderful? If by 'a huge mistake' then yes, I would have to agree.” Vera said.

“I don't think that's what wonderful means, but look! This is the ring Oz gave me! Surely you must think it is the real meaning of wonderful and not your strange definition.” The mermaid said, showing off her engagement ring.

The room was very quiet, not even the bodyguards, or the king moved. Everyone was either scared, or just interested to see where this plot twist would lead.

“I will admit, it's an impressive ring, but I'm pretty sure Oz had no idea what it would mean to you.” Vera said.

Oz lowered his head. He was found out, and after he had just accepted his fate.

“Is this true, my love?” Miranda asked.

Oz nodded, but lifted his head. “I didn't mean any harm, and I really want to marry you, Miranda!”

Miranda was silent. Was she thinking of the best way to have him executed? Or maybe she would throw him into the dungeon? Would his parents step in, or would they let him reap what he sowed?

“You two are both still in highschool.” Vera said. “You've got plenty of time. Didn't you say you wanted to study at that big College in Italy?”

“The St Spork academy of cutlery and culture! Oh yes!” Miranda said, her eyes sparkling.

“Yes, very interesting. Why don't spend a year or two doing that? I'm sure you have things you want to do Oz.” Vera said.

“I kind of would like to wait a few years.” Oz said. “I do love you Miranda, and I want you to be my wife someday.”

“Y- you did not wish to be wed right away?” Miranda asked.

“Yeah... I was worried you would be mad if I said anything.”

Miranda held his hand. “Oh my sweet knight, I could never be mad at you.”

“So... Um... Am I needed at all?” The officiant said.

“I think not, my good man.” Barbarossa said, getting to his feet.

“It's a shame. We got everyone here, and planned so much.” Miranda said.

“Hey! I have an idea.” Polly said, from her place in the bridal party.

****************************

“Sorry you weren’t able to get married dude.” Said Brian, taking a swig of red wine.

Oz leaned back in his chair and let a puff of air through his lips. “Honestly, while I’m a little bummed out. I’m just glad it’s all over and things can go back to normal.”

The shadow man looked over to Vera. “Thanks for bailing me out by the way, I owe you one.”

“Don’t mention it. I wasn’t about to let Miranda screw up her life over a misunderstanding; just don’t accidentally get anymore wedding rings from now on, Alright?”

“I’ll try, but no promises.”

The wedding reception, or rather the party that would have been a wedding reception, was in full swing.

Seeing as the Vanderbilts had already gone through all the effort for making the perfect wedding reception only for it to go to waste after Miranda and Oz called it off; Polly, not one for letting an open bar to go to waste, suggested that they make lemons out of lemonade and simply just use what they have to hold a regular ball for all the guests.

That turned out to be a great call as the disappointment of having the wedding being called off completely evaporated in the face of wedding cake, hard liquor, and 90’s dance hits.

Compared to the hectic nature of the last two weeks, finally being able to step out of the spotlight and just relax was a breath of fresh air to Oz; he could just sit back and watch the party unfold before him.

Zoe and Vicky were sharing an adorable waltz in the middle of the dance floor among several other happy couples and/or serfs that had been forced to dance to fill up the dance floor.

Across the room, Amira and Cal seemed to be having a rather intense discussion about something and if Amira’s teasing face was anything to go by, the poor robot was probably getting increasingly flustered.

Meanwhile Polly and Damien had been milking the open bar for all it was worth, the latter of the two had challenged Dahlia (who was equally wasted) to a sword fight with two decorative weapons he had pried off the wall and their melee was getting dangerously close to one of the windows.

Speaking of which, if one was to look outside you could see Der Freischütz showing off his marksmanship skills to an eager crowd, emitting oohs and aahs as his spectral bullets tore through various targets.

Back inside of the ballroom, The Queen of Hatred and The Knight of Despair were standing by the buffet tables with the older Vanderbilt sisters sharing stories about their respective adventures.

At the table next to them was king Barbarbossa and queen Miribelle, seemingly enjoying the relaxed atmosphere of the party in comfortable silence.

Oz’s gaze met the king’s and he gave a polite nod before focusing his attention elsewhere.

‘Well at least I know there’s no hard feelings...I think.’ Oz thought to himself.

And Scott….well the eldritch being actually couldn’t find him amongst the crowd, which should have been a bit more concerning but Oz was so relieved that he couldn’t bring himself to care.

All in all, it was a fine party.

“Um, excuse me. Vera? Brian?” said Miranda, seemingly materializing in front of the table causing Oz to jump up in surprise.

“Would you please give me a moment alone with Oz?” 

Brian and Vera looked at each other for a moment and shrugged.

“Sure. Go ahead, c’mon Vera. Let’s dance.” The zombie replied, gently leading the gorgon onto the dance floor, leaving Oz and Miranda alone together.

The mermaid took a seat in front of Oz, sighing somewhat disappointedly.

Oz rubbed the back of his head awkwardly in response. “Look Miranda, f-for what it’s worth. I’m really sorry for getting your hopes up, I feel horrible about this whole mess.”

“It’s quite alright Oz, it was nothing more than a simple understanding. If anything, I should be the one apologizing.”

“Huh?”

“For getting so caught up in the wedding that I never once considered your feelings on the matter.”

Miranda placed her hands onto Oz’s knees and leaned in. “The truth is that you are the perfect suitor, you’re kind, gentlemanly, loyal, adorable, and have saved me from certain doom on numerous occasions. You are more than just a simple knight to me Oz...you are my one true love. When you showed that ring to me I was nothing short of elated, I believed that after all this time we could finally be together as husband and wife and perhaps even build a family together; I was so blinded by joy that I couldn’t see how much pressure I had been putting you through.”

Tears started to leak out of Miranda’s eyes, but Oz was quick to wipe them away.

“H-hey. Don’t say that, to be fair I never once told you how I felt so I’m the one at fault here. Besides I wasn’t lying when I said I wanted to marry you someday, I’d just prefer it when I’m out of high school and have a stable job.”

Miranda scoffed. “Oh please, as royalty you would have no need to perform such menial labor...unless of course you happened to be cooking for me.”

Oz chuckled. “Well you get my point, I do want to marry you Miranda. Just not right now.”

Miranda sniffed and stood up from her chair with a smile.

“In that case, I shall save you a place at my side as my husband. When you feel that the time is right, you may propose to me officially and we shall be betrothed the correct way.”

“T-thank you Miranda.” Oz said with a smile.

The mer princess kissed Oz on the cheek and then whispered in his ear. “Keep in mind, the honeymoon suite is still available. So we would be able to...utilize it, fully. All you must do is ask love.”

On that sexual note, Miranda sauntered off; leaving Oz blushing crimson.

He’d have to take her up on that offer.

A hand on his shoulder brough Oz out of his stupor, the fearling looked up to see that said hand belong to his father.

“sorry son.” Said Der Freischütz, his wives standing behind him “but it appears as though we must leave early.”

“What? Why?”

“Because your aunt just called. Apparently she went on a dungeon crawl with that slayer girl and accidentally woke a one-thousand year old hydra and needs us to rescue them….again.” Said The Knight of Despair.

“We just wanted to make sure you’re going to be okay before we left, you’ve been through a lot honey.”

Oz looked at Miranda, who gave him a seductive look over her shoulder, and then back at his parents.

“Y-yeah. I think I’ll be fine.” Replied Oz.

“Very well, have a good night Oz.” said the marksman as he stepped through a portal with his companions, leaving Oz alone once more.

“Oh I fully intend to.” Said Oz to no one in particular as he briskly walked over to Miranda.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks again to Crazy4U AKA vanilla0chinchilla for doing this collab with me. And to all the readers, expect another collab from us coming in the near future.


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